don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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