I wanna passion pit in your ass
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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