I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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