How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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