I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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