Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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