i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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