I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
