just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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