I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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