the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
