a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
