just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
