Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize
