all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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