Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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