so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
