he puts the penis in happiness.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
