I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
