dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We're too hungover to prance.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
