Yo dont text me then not text me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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