What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This baby is an asshole
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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