The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just threw up on my dentist
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
