Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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