Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
