I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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