i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
