When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
