I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
