I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
