I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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