It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
