how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
