I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
