Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
