I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
