She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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