Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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