After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
