you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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