True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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