Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
