ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
