everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
