oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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