Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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