I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
