dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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