my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
