I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
