Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
