Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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